Dogwater Soup

What is essentially supposed to be the best of Vancouver indie rock (well according to CFOX) rapidly became an huge disappointment as I witnessed some of the most pathetic attempts at rock music I have ever seen in my many decades on this planet. So much so I wasn’t even going to waste my time writing this but was encouraged by a friend who felt the same way I did about tonights “performances” at the Commodore in Vancouver.

First of all, lets consider where all these bands got their “ticket to ride” tonight. CFOX, 99.3 the be all and end all of Vancouver rock radio here in Vancouver has a contest every year to see who the next big rock band out of Vancouver is going to be. IE: Look up and refer to Knickleback.
This is a radio station I pretty much stopped listening to way back when I grew hair on my balls and realized I can make my own decisions. They’re nothing more than a corporate run cesspool of mediocrity. Oh, but they pretend that they support local music,..yes, you support local music alright, just ask Todd Hancock about Jet Black Stare and you’ll soon realize how “supportive” they are. Speaking of Todd,…well more like Todd and Karen, I once had the displeasure of listening to these two while leaving my house and the getting stuck in traffic. When I hopped in my truck there was a song on CFOX (in my truck is the only time I listen to the radio and that’s only when I have forgotten to grab my Ipod) after 45 mins the song that was playing when I got in my truck was the only actual music I’d heard. The rest of that time was filled with complete and useless drivel by two people I (at that point) would have been more entertained had they’d be hunted live on radio by some deranged redneck with a sawed off shotgun, a job I would have volunteered for.

Anyway, I digress. This Seeds fiasco tonight is what I originally logged on for tonight. Let me also state that I went into tonights show NEVER seeing or hearing any of these bands before. I was a set of fresh ears for any one of them to lay claim to and I really deep down wanted to be impressed by at least one of them.
The big event tonight was essentially the finale to a competition to decide who would be the “big Seeds band of 2008″. The final five bands had a chance to perform and the winner would be picked before the Thornley show which closed out the night (Thank Christ for some redemption).

The first band on was Innocent Bystander whom pretty much lived up to their name as from what I could tell they weren’t a contender in this whole clusterfuck in the least. About as much of a threat to the other four bands as my grandma back in Chilliwack and as about as exciting. You’d think that after being offered a chance to really kick your bands career into motion (according to CFOX) you might step up your game a little. As an opening band wouldn’t it be pertinent to “set the fucking bar” for the other bands? Now don’t get me wrong, I am acquaintances with one of the guys in this band and I do respect him immensely, but seriously. I heard no memorable songs, I saw no energy except for a lead singer pacing back and forth between guitar players and a drummer who looked and played awkwardly like he wanted to be the Rikki Rocket of the new millennium. Next.

Was Versus the Nothing. To me these guys were the real deal. Maybe not the best real deal around but at least they were doing what seemed natural to them and doing it fairly well. As far as songs go, nothing memorable. They had a good time rocking out on stage and seemed to be happy and genuine in their delivery of what got them there in the first place. By the end of the night they essentially were my first pick although that’s not saying much.

Then came Jordan Carrier. Never heard of him or his apparent seminal 90’s Vancouver band Cozybones. The guys backing band was great but his vocals and songs left me feeling somewhat suicidal. Like my friend said if I had to pick between an eternity of this guys voice and nails on a chalkboard I’d pick nails on a chalkboard. After now two let downs in a row and two songs by this guy I decided I need to start drinking heavily.

Forth up was Incura. Oh how I’ve heard about Incura in the past few months. Incura this, Incura that, Oh Kyle from Incura blah blah blah. I soon realized I didn’t give a shit which one was Kyle as the front three guys of this band all had the same fucking haircut, and all dressed the same. What is this, the emo fucking Monkeys? Oh wait, even the Monkeys didn’t look the same. If I wanted to listen to a “My Chemical Romance” clone band I would have stayed home and listened to My Chemical Romance. I’ve heard flavors of the week that tasted more original than this lot, but hey, they had their punters out in full force and that’s all that counts I guess. Again, no memorable songs but a lot of jumping around and screamo. It’s pretty pathetic when even the ex-girlfriend that the singer disses from stage thinks they’re the best band on the bill.

Then, just when I thought it couldn’t get much worse, came Cold Driven. What small town rock did CFOX find these douche bags under? Now don’t get me wrong, I’m all for rocking out and putting on a good show….if it’s genuine. Innocent Bystander couldn’t find their game but these guys….what the fuck? This band looked like they sat for the last six months, forks in eyes, holding them open ala Clockwork Orange in front of rock video after rock video ingesting every lame, cliché rock move ever invented. These guys were so over the top they were one step short of fighting for the stage spotlight (which there wasn’t one). The guitar players were trying so hard to be the guy furthest at the front of the stage, standing and posing on the monitors that the singer quickly became fucking invisible. Same goes for the “keyboardist”, using the term loosely. He looked more like a head banging mascot then anything else, out on the front of the stage posing with the guitar players more than he actually played his keyboards. I have never seen so much “pose and point” in all my life (and I’ve seen Judas Priest live). And the pathetic part was,…they were doing it to each other, not the crowd. I have played in a band where the guitar player has actually inflicted and been diagnosed with self induced whiplash after years of head whips but never have I seen this type of overblown try-hard bullshit.
If this is what CFOX deems as the best in BC or Vancouver indie rock it’s a no wonder they’re drowning in their own mediocrity. I wouldn’t download any of these bands for free let alone pay for their music, and if it came on the radio I’d turn it off.

The best part of tonight was the closing band, Ian Thornley and his band. A guy that won me over back in the late 90’s when the band I was in opened for them at Edgefest and again later in Montreal. I wonder how many of the Seeds bands tonight stuck around out front to check them out? They might have learned something about rock and roll, about class, about putting on a well delivered kick ass and genuine show. Or were they all in the back soaking in their own egos?

Congrats to Incura for a stellar win tonight,…I know first hand how stiff the competition was, your grandmas and ex-girlfriends will be proud.